I'd like to kick this off by discussing something that is very important to me. That thing is taking meaningful life lessons from a small group of people that society admires and respects most: musical artists.
By definition, a popular musical artist is the glorious representation of humanity at its finest, devoting his or her precious talents to the pursuit of life's greatest questions: How much drama can i fit into 3 minutes and 27 seconds? How can I effectively make every conversation about me? How many bottles of Jack Daniels can I physically drink in one 24-hour day? What is the meaning of life?
They are pioneers of reason, masters of emotion, titans of frivolous entertainment. But most importantly, they collectively form a wealth of life teachings, essential proverbs that will make any common man as fulfilled as they are. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, their heavenly counsel is readily accessible at almost any time! Radio stations, television shows, the internet, etc. Clearly you know about the internet. I digress.
My purpose tonight is to share some of their lessons with you. I can only hope that you are wise enough to accept their radiant example. Alright enough of this.
What we learned from:
Lady Gaga (Just Dance)- You can be completely drunk, nay, OBLITERATED, lose your only means to get home, not know who or where you are...but everything will be okay if you just dance.
Avril Lavigne (What the Hell)- It's perfectly natural and acceptable to be unfaithful in a commited relationship. Hey, if you've been good the rest of your life, go ahead and do what you want. You clearly deserve it.
Bruno Mars (Grenade)- The only way to demonstrate true love is suicide.
Ke$ha (Your Love is My Drug)- Love has all the same side effects as cocaine: paranoia, inability to focus, lack of sleep, alienation from friends and family. Sometimes causes the need to have slumber parties, and attraction to facial hair.
(We R Who We R)- Don't mess with people who have Jesus on their neckuh-luss-lusss
(Take It Off)- The ONLY three ingredients needed for a successful party: glitter, Jack Daniels, and mass stripping. Also, your responsibilities for tomorrow do not matter.
Cascada & Sean Kingston (Evacuate the Dancefloor/ Fire Burning)- Dancefloors are dangerous places. People spontaneously combust or have literally die from the beat...you probably should just not go near them at all.
Miley Cyrus (Party in the U.S.A.)- All you need to take on a trip are your dreams and a cardigan.
Taio Cruz (Break your Heart)- As long as you give a proper warning before the relationship starts, you are completely allowed to do whatever you want for the duration of the relationship.
(Dynamite)- Some people suffer from a serious disease. A disease that makes them throw their hands up in the air sometimes.
Usher (Yeah!)- A woman is only sure of her decision if she says "Yeah!" 62 times in a ROW.
Katy Perry (I Kissed A Girl)- The quality of a kiss solely depends on the flavor of the chapstick (if present). Also, this is applicable to all genders and situations.
(Firework)- Some people suffer from a bizarre but very terrible condition. One that causes them to spontaneouly emit fireworks from their chests. If you suffer from this disease, the only cure is going onto a roof and sing about it.
LMFAO (Shots)- If you're not able to drink exactly THIRTY-TWO consecuative shots per round, then you need to "get the f*** out the club." Also, drinking that many shots makes womens' clothes literally fall off.
Rihanna (What's My Name)- Amnesia is a real thing.
(Only Girl)- Some women (namely Rihanna) are really into fem dom, as well as the idea that they are the only important thing in the world.
This post will be updated soon! Keep one eye open, but also the other too. I mean, you have two, so you might as well use them both.
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